Our woes are ours, their woes are theirs. Life is for living as joyfully as possible.

         23 May 2022

Woes of parents whose children are abroad: Are they alone? Take a look at those whose children live within a country

I have got a paper cutting on the woes of parents, old in age, whose children are living abroad in my whatsapp university post. Physician who is treating such parents reports their increasing isolation, loneliness and depression, all leading to miserable lives and lonely deaths.

Parents are being shifted to the old-age homes or senior citizen homes where facilities like those of medical, kitchen, hobbies, sports and others are available collectively too. Of course, most of us are not familiar with the old-age homes or senior citizen homes, despite these being better equipped for their needs. Parents have always lived with their children until they die. And this tradition of looking after parents in the old age is carried on by one or more of their children, mostly sons. And this is likely to be shifted to daughters too as they are legally co-owners of their parents’ property.

I have seen the cases in India that children have refused to allow parents live with them. Some have shifted them to old-age homes, others to even anathalaya where they do not belong to anyone. Eventually, the Courts intervened to fix up the responsibility on the children. I am not sure if this responsibility is out of moral obligations or is due to legal implications involving parental property and income that was accrued to the children.

Occasionally we come across the cases where parents have forced their children to return from abroad. And this is made possible with the NOC  required to be signed by the parents that they do or do not have any objection to stay abroad after the visa period for higher education is over.  

There are also cases wherein children took the advantage of parents, in terms of enjoying parental property but not owning responsibility towards them. Some smart children tried to oust them of their permanent abode and rob them of their very income. Some parents took recourse to the Courts to oust such children and live on their own.

It is only this month, during the course of my visit to Coimbatore that I happened to meet a young colleague of mine who told me that his old parents are living with me and need medical care on and off. At the same time, he talked of his other brother who did not care for parents and overtly said that being old, they may be left to die without spending on their medical care. Such a callousness is found amongst the children.

Indian culture is full of stories that followed the devotion of Shravan kumar and also those who left their parents in ‘anathalaya’-abode of people who belong to none.

Why do parents bring such situations by encouraging their children to go away from their home. Are the parents whose children are going abroad only to be blamed? Is it not that the same situation can befall on the parents whose children either live in remote or far off corners or cities of the country or vice versa.

Thus, the current situation is not essentially of those whose children are abroad. It is also of those whose children live away from the parental home in the country. And I believe that the latter is far more and has far wider ramifications.

I know a friend of mine whose mother used to stay with him for one or two months or at the most three months at a stretch in Delhi. He and his family were equally caring. Yet, the old lady will long to go to her native place. She was unable to adjust to the life in city. It is no fault of his son and his family. Should then we blame her son and his family under this situation? Finally, the old lady died in her native home surrounded by neighbours.

I know another family of mine living in Bangalore, whose father, quite old but very mentally agile lives in the village. The daughter reads newspaper over phone for her father daily for one hour. Her family wants him to live with them in Bangalore. Yet, he does not want to move. Is the daughter to be blamed for not caring for her father?

Most children moved to cities and towns where they got employment far away from their homes. Some even went abroad. Parents talked with pride as they got the jobs or started their new businesses. It did not matter to most parents when they moved away from home.

Most learned to live with new situation. And therefore, most of us count distance not in km or miles but in hours. Does it matter if your son lives in the US or Europe, thousands of miles away but you take only some hours to fly to meet him? How about other son or daughter who lives in the remote corner of the country, not far off, but only way to reach her or him takes a day or two and drain all your energy?

My son left abroad a decade ago to do his higher studies. I encouraged him. I did not object because my mother did not object when I left for Nagpur for my graduation and then farther away to Delhi for post-graduation many years ago. She was not well educated. Our financial situation was not great. Yet, in her heart, she longed for my wellbeing.

My son does not want to return. I know of other relatives whose children do not want to return. Many parents feel that it is much more comfortable living in India than abroad. Yet, the fact of matter is that most of those who went to do higher studies, stayed abroad, not to return.

I do not vouch for the feelings that our children abroad or away from us have for us. As far as I am concerned, I am fine. “Dear Son or Daughter, live where you like to live. I am fine with your telephonic or video call. Visit us when you can. Invite us when you can. But live your life. Enjoy your life. This is only opportunity in your life time. Do not waste it. Do not feel bound to us”

We have been away from our daughter, about 1200 km in distance and six hour in time to reach by air. As we advance in age, we do feel the pinch of living away from children, relatives, familiar faces as they fade over time. Some have even left for their final abode with memories to recall.

What do I do? I live near them if I can. I lived my life during active period. I need to live during the retirement times too. Should I fear of the worst? No. Death is certain. No one can escape its clutches. Afraid of what will happen pre-or post-death? Thinking of going to heaven or hell? Will your soul wander if your bereaved family or neighbours did not perform religious rites? Take a look around for answers. I suggest. Why not donate it for medical purpose? Lot many do so. Most Indians depend upon Sri Lanka for eyes so that they can see the world or other organs to live longer. I have pledged my body. I am sure that this is the only way to live beyond the mortal remains of yours. I am also sure that even my son who lives thousands of miles away will never be late to see my mortal remains.

Our woes are our woes. Their woes are theirs…..Life is for living as joyfully as possible.

PS: There is a 'Maintenance of Parents and Senior Citizens Tribunal in MS and probably in the country. It takes up cases involving disputes between parents and children or other relatives.